Among the Living

In morning prayers my Zambian students would often begin by saying,“Thank you, Lord, that we are counted among the living.” 

     In Zambia, death is a part of life. 

                It has been about 20 months since I left Zambia.  In that time two of my close friends, my students, have died.  Multiple acquaintances as well have died or lost close family members.

                Zambia is a part of me, and so now, death is also a part of my life. 

                Mr. Mwaanga was one of these “among the living” pray-ers.  He started his day, and lived his life with gratitude for the breath in his lungs and the opportunity the new day gave him to love his family, his Lord, and the Church. 

                In my church service this morning at Lake Avenue Church we spent time praying prayers of lament and singing songs of grief in commemoration of the 100^th anniversary of the Armenian genocide.  At the same time we acknowledged this morning’s most recent ISIS atrocity of persecution against Ethiopian Christians.  This morning we prayed in gratitude to be counted among the living. 

                The sermon this morning convicted us to live our lives as witnesses of the Gospel, taking advantage of every moment to tell the story of how Christ has transformed us. 

                While waiting in line for the bathroom after the service (HOW does a mega-church only have FOUR stalls in the women’s bathroom?!) a dear elderly woman and her daughter stood behind me.  Most likely in her 80s, she hovered over her walker, and they discussed how they were inspired by the sermon’s practical application to be a witness.  She said, “That’s why I’m still alive.”

   Thank you, Lord, that today I am among the living. 

     

Let my living and breathing point only to You. 

                

A Pair-o-ducks

I have had the following conversation at least once a week since returning from Zambia:

Person #456 “So, how was Zambia?”      

Me “It was the hardest experience of my life. *dramatic pause* But I wouldn't trade it for anything.”

Person #456 “What made it so hard?”

Me “Everything made it hard.”

Person #456 “But I thought you had a good time? Your pictures looked so happy!”

Me “I did have lots of really good times.  But there were lots of really bad times too.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------

                On the first day of my week of missionary debriefing our counselors put two rubber ducks on the table in front of us.  One was a happy little duck.  The other one was dirtied by permanent marker, and he was not a happy duck.  This imagery was to help us grasp hold, and remember that our missionary experience was full of paradox.  (Get it? Pair-o-ducks?)

                As each of us looked back on our missionary experience we could clearly point to moments of ugliness and brokenness, while at the same time we could look back at some of the most meaningful and joyous moments of our lives.   The paradox is that these dynamics cannot be separated.  Our ugly duck moments were intertwined with the happy duck, and our pair-o-ducks created turmoil of emotions as we reflected on our experiences.

                When I first returned from Zambia I was bombarded by meaningful people asking me about my “trip.”  (TRIP!? Try two years of my life!!)  Reeling in the pain of the stress I had experienced, I dreaded the moment people brought it up because it meant I had to remember.  And yet, Zambia was the only thing on my mind and the only thing I wanted to talk about.  Paradox.

                 The return of a missionary to their home country is compared to experiencing the death of a good friend.  Although technology has allowed some minimal communication with my Zambian friends, this analogy has been true for me.  Two years of life, relationships, and memories have been completely disconnected from my current reality. I left my heart in Zambia, and yet my mind and body were so weary that this was a necessary sacrifice.  Paradox.

                 “Surely, Lauren, you received more than you gave.”  Although I understand, and appreciate this sentiment having experienced it during short-term missions, this was not my most recent experience.  I poured myself out, and ultimately was sucked dry by the confrontation of endless demands and needs mixed with disrespect for my sacrifices to meet these needs. Purposeful, life-changing, meaningful ministry happened while I was in Zambia.  And I certainly gained beautiful friendships, learned immense life lessons, and was shaped and grown in new ways.  Yet I was also taken advantage of.  Paradox. 

                The thought of returning to Zambia is on my mind and heart every day, and yet the thought of returning also brings deep feelings of panic and fear.

                Each night, as I lay down to sleep I anticipate my dreams which will inevitably take me to Zambia for the night.  Lifelike, vivid interactions with my friends reflect my hearts longing, and the nightmares reflect my hearts wounds. 

                I have learned to embrace this paradox, rather than to battle it.  After writing the previous blog I received meaningful emails from fellow wounded-warriors, complete strangers who had related closely with my painful experience.  One of these new friends said, “Zambia is a scar I wear with pride because it is who I was and formed who I am today.” 

                My experience in Zambia broke me.  It has been a year since leaving, and the longest period of time in my life where I have not been actively engaged in ministry.  The wounds were deep.  And yet these wounds have formed in me new vision and passion for missions and concern for missionaries.  It’s a scar I am learning to wear with pride.

                And in the midst of this, my joy-filled pain has drawn me closer to another, much bigger, paradox. 

                The Son of God, Jesus, King of Kings and Lord of Lords, came to live among us.  And he loved us.  And he experienced pure joy in that obedience.  And yet, he experienced rejection. Abandonment. Hatred.  And physical torture.   And I believe if an angel asked Jesus, “So, how was Earth?”  Jesus would likely respond, “It was the hardest experience of my life… but I wouldn't trade it for anything.”

                “I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.” Philippians 3:10

   I want to know Joy. 

  

Post Zambia Disorder (PZD)

I woke up early this morning for a babysitting job. Along the drive, a solitary doe stood in a freshly tilled field as the sun struck her in a way which was reminiscent of an impala.   6:30 AM, crystal clear blue skies, cool 55F air, little peoples giggles, and a yard full of chickens brought echoes of many early Zambian mornings to my mind.  10 months later, and my heart still aches for Zambia. 

When I first returned from Zambia I went to a missionary debriefing program in Colorado.  As an intern missionary it was not expected for me to be formally debriefed. After my "unusually stressful" term it was highly recommended for me to go. I spent a week surrounded by about 30 other broken and battered missionaries.  Worn and torn by the battles we had fought overseas, we shared our stories, cried, laughed, and were comforted by sincere empathy. 

As a part of our week of debriefing we completed various assessments to help us understand our experiences.  One of these was the Holmes and Rahe Stress scale.  Basically it was a survey which gave point value to the stressful experiences you had over the last year of your life. (100 points for the death of a close family member, 75 for moving… etc) It was explained that a total score of about 300 increased ones chance by 70% of having medical problems, be they physical or psychological.  Then, we were told that the average missionary lives at an average stress level of 600 points!

I “scored” 1,035 points.

1,035 points of stress.   

And that survey didn’t account for bugs, or heat, or daily boiling water, or 6:30am knocks on my door, or inconsistent electricity, internet, water, or … need I go on?

This was also only counting my second year in Zambia.  This assessment didn’t even begin to include the stress of my first year, which was plagued by the mystery illness and so much more.

I was told during that week of counseling that I was experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. 

I figured it would go away.  I figured after a few months of rest I’d be better, ready to move on.

Well a few months turned into several months, and several months into now.  10 months.

Vivid nightmares which return me to Zambia plague my sleep all night every night.  Stress related anxiety has stopped me from keeping a full schedule, and has prevented me from socializing.  And yes, my current illness is likely lingering as a result of the traumatic level of stress my mind and body have experienced over the last two years.  (Doctors say it’s most likely a virus related to mono…and it just won’t go away.)

Primarily I have been emotionally hindered from returning to ministry. The thought of being responsible for a full time ministry position is exhausting.  Mostly my heart is weary from being drained by so much exertion, pouring myself out with little encouragement and significant levels of disrespect.   Although ministry is always sacrificial, and one generally is blessed through making that sacrifice; being taken advantage of for your sacrifices and disrespected in the act of that sacrifice will wound even the strongest of hearts.

My heart is deeply wounded by experiences which happened in Zambia.

And yet my heart aches for Zambia. 

The simplest things trigger that deep ache.

The sound of an African accent and dark skin accented by bright smiles stir up latent memories…

My subconscious still tries to respond to people in Tonga…

Tonga hymns and Zambian praise songs are still my soul’s inner go-to songs for comfort…

The thought of going back to Zambia is on my mind every day, and yet the thought of returning to that level of stress brings inner turmoil and panic.

-----------------Deep Breath------------------

Within the last few weeks something in my spirit has shifted.  Although the healing process began the moment I stepped onto American soil, recently I have been able to allow myself to feel the Lords touch anew, trusting him to carry me forward.  The hymn “How Firm A Foundation” struck deep into my heart, speaking words which resonated with the themes of healing which the Lord has been speaking to my heart in these last months.  The 3^rd verse specifically struck home:

“When through the deep waters I call thee to go,

The rivers of sorrow shall not overflow;

For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,

And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress”

The Lord called me to the deep waters of Zambia, and yet he carried me through each day.  The troubles were and are blessed through his ministry done through my weakness, and he is sanctifying me through this distress.  And... he will call me to deep waters again... yet he will never.  No never. No NEVER forsake. 

I have been chatting with a counselor the last few weeks, and she has helped me to accept my current stage of brokenness.  She has also acknowledged that the things I am experiencing still are PTSD symptoms.  I like to think of it more as Post Zambia Disorder, and I believe that each and every missionary who returns from the field experiences something similar.  I will write more on this later, but if you have any takeaway from this blog… Please. Pray for your missionaries. There is so much happening in their lives that they can't write home about. 

I share this with you not for sympathy, but to explain where I’m “at.” This journey of brokenness has made me find wholeness in Christ in a new way.  It has also made me recognize the crucial importance of allowing oneself to grieve in the arms of the Father.  Our culture rushes grief.  We are uncomfortable with pain, and we do not like to deal with other people’s brokenness. 

I share this with you in hopes that you will  find a glimpse of peace in your own brokenness; so that in the midst of your pain you can recognize that the Lord is tenderly holding your broken spirit.

May you, “approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that (you) may receive mercy and find grace to help (you) in your time of need.” (Hebrews 4:12)

Re-entry Shock

In pre-departure training they prepare you in many ways for the culture shock you will face upon arrival to your mission field.  They also warn you that when you return home to America you will face “reverse culture shock”.  The last few weeks I have been trying to prepare myself for this reentry shock, and on the days before leaving Zambia I had some conversations with my experienced missionary friends about what to expect and how to handle it.

I think the thing that is most shocking to me, is how shocked I am.  All of my physical, emotional, and mental senses have been bombarded by what feels like a whole new world.

Upon stepping off the plane in JFK I was hit by a wall of HUMIDITY.  After months of dry dry air, my lungs clenched up immediately and huffed and puffed as I walked through the hallways of the airport. My skin felt the dew of sweat forming, and most unusually, remaining all over my body.

The efficiency of the workers of the airport made me smile when I overheard fellow travelers complain about minor hold-ups in quickly moving lines, and the inconvenience of removing their shoes for a few moments on the “disgusting” floor. 

TSA agents greeted us with an informal “howsitgoin” and “Ya’ll need to take yer shoes off”.   No more, “how are you today Madam?”

Past security and into the jetBlue terminal I stand overwhelmed with the café options.  I spot to my right a display of beautiful yellow bananas… they are unbruised, perfect in shape, scientifically grown and maintained to aesthetic perfection.  I pass through shelves and shelves of muffins, cookies, and cereals.  Buffets of hot breakfasts, lunch or dinner options.  Counters of giant coffee containers with all the possible creamer and sugar options the world can offer.  Overwhelmed by the choices thrown at me I choose a banana, find a bottle of water, and get in line to pay. 

The cashier is friendly and she tells me the price of my banana and bottle of water. I pull out American bills from a wallet that hasn’t been used since I left home and hand her a $5 bill.  Her speed in giving me my change surprises me and all of a sudden I have in my hand American coins and bills and things are happening to fast for me to process if I’ve received the right change or not.  I feel confused by this new currency in my hands, and am no longer certain of the value of each bill and coin… I actually calculate how many kwacha my banana and bottle of water are worth.

Dunkin Donuts.  Automated toilets. Powerful hand driers.  Soap on the sink.  Toilet paper in the stalls. I feel inclined to capture these moments of discovery with my camera, yet laugh at myself for finding it exciting and realize that no one else would want to see pictures of these things.

As my plane ascends over New York State my eyes are glued out my window.  For the entire 55 minute flight I cannot stop staring at the world that goes by beneath me.  Green. Hills. Geometrically perfect fields of multiple colors that indicate a healthy season of crop.  Rivers. Ponds. Lakes. Clouds. I find it all fascinating, yet again laugh at myself for being so hypnotized by it all.  

My mind plays tricks on me as I see the tan-colored paths of roads beneath me.  They are dirt roads.  No... they cant be.  They are paved.  Paved with grey cement.  But paved roads should be black.  Not these ones. These tan roads are not dirt roads.  

A finger lake passes below me, and I’m not sure which one it is.  Another comes into sight and I am fairly certain that it is Keuka Lake, though it is too hard to tell.  My heart starts pounding with excitement as another comes into view… and yes.  There is the marina, Kershaw beach, Wegmans, main street… it is Canandaigua.  Tears start pouring down my face as I find my church.  My eyes seek out Canandaigua Academy with its magnificent athletic fields and expanse of buildings.  I trace the road from the school and there is my house.  My home.  Home.  It is all right there below me.  Right where I left it.  All there waiting for me to return.  I am weeping now, thankful that the man next to me is sound asleep.  10 minutes till landing.

One last airport hallway to walk through and a glass wall separates me from my parents.  The wall opens and we rush into each other’s arms, an embrace that has been months in coming.  We hold each other with tears streaming, unaware of the people watching and passing around us. 

Exiting the airport my nose smells strange smells.  Clean.  Grass. Flowers. Fresh air.  I breathe deeply, inhaling a dustless, pollution free air.

In our short ride home we pass new buildings, new construction. It is amazing what can change in just two years.  My eyes are bombarded by the brilliant color GREEN.

Entering my home I am enthusiastically greeted by Rosie, our family dog.  She is clean, healthy, and soft.  And she is INSIDE my home. 

My bedroom is overflowing with STUFF.  I look forward to purging of all the unnecessary things that have accumulated here, and am grateful that I left behind as much as I did in Zambia.  So much that I simply don’t need.

A long hot shower causes me to cry tears of relief.  The temperature of the water remains stable without having to adjust it every 10 seconds.   10 minutes into the shower and the water is still hot and strong.

A bowl of fruit.  Fresh fruit.  Strawberries, cantaloupe, raspberries… my taste buds are overwhelmed.

Phone calls to family in the same time zone.  Trying on a bridesmaid dress.  Visiting with the bride-to-be, my best friend Emily.  It is a whirl of excitement and adrenaline.

In the midst of it all I feel the need to write.  The need to process.  The need to open my Bible and cling to the only unchanged Thing in my life. 

I have been home for less than 24 hours.  It is so GOOD to be back.  It feels familiar and so normal to be here.  It feels like just another summer day at home.  And yet my mind is humming Tonga hymns and my heart is aching for the family I have left behind in my Zambian home, reminding me that it is not normal to be here.  It is once again new, and it is shocking to me just how shocking it is to be here.

Relief. Excitement. Exhaustion. Sadness. Happiness. And peeking out through this pile of emotions is JOY. J

Count Down.

There are only 8 weeks left until I will be setting foot on American soil.  This will be the first time I’ll have been standing in America since April 2012.  By then, it will have been 1 year, 3 months, and 2 weeks since I have been HOME.  It feels SO far away right now, and some days I feel like I just won’t make it. 

It has been 2 weeks and 1 day since I hugged my mom. (She was here!)

It has been 9 months since I hugged my dad.

It has been 1 year and 3 months since I hugged my brother and sister in law.

It has been 1 year and 3 months since I hugged my closest friends.

It has been 1 year and 4 months since I’ve hugged cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents.

In that time my family has changed!  Babies have been born, houses have been bought, animals have been adopted, friends have died, friend’s unborn babies have died, people have lost jobs and gained new ones, people have moved around the country.  A lot has happened at home and I am SO eager to go back and face these changes, the good and the bad.  

I’m so eager to hug my friends, to share meals together at restaurants with them and hear about all of the good things and the bad things they have experienced these last few years.  I’m so eager to share the simple pleasures of friendship like ice-cream cones at the lake, shopping for clothes we don’t need (actually, most of my wardrobe will be staying here… so girls you better be ready to SHOP!), catching up on all the gory details of the TV sitcoms that I’ve missed these two years (or not missed J ) and just BEING together. 

I’m so eager to meet new babies in my family, to congratulate my cousin for her recent college graduation (she was salutatorian!), to meet my cat-nephew Levon.  I’m eager to beat my brother in board games. (Watch out! Your game-deprived sister is coming home... that is 2 years of pent-up competition!!)  I’m eager to worship again in my own culture surrounded by my amazing church family who has supported me through thick and thin these last two years.  I am SO excited that the first thing I get to do when I get home is be a bridesmaid in my best friend’s wedding.  

I have SO SO many reasons to be counting down the weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds until I get to re-embrace HOME.   And yet there is another count-down happening in my mind:

Only 8 weeks left.  At the end of these 8 weeks I will be saying goodbye to Zambia.  This is my HOME.  I have lived here, sweated here (literally and figuratively!), cried here, laughed here, learned here, grown here.  I have family here.  People who correct me when I’m wrong, encourage me when I succeed, support me when I’m struggling.  I have friends here.  People who laugh with me, laugh AT me when I do stupid things, and who simply love me for who I am.  I have a cat who follows me around like a shadow and a dog who runs with me on a long dirt road under the hot African sun.  I have children who greet me with a running-hug, a huge smile and a very loud “HI AUNTIE!”  I have watched friends die, watched babies be born (literally!), experienced real life struggles and joys in a whole other world.

Above all, I have a story here.  I lived a life here. Pilgrim Wesleyan Bible College and its students are a part of me.  Zambia is a part of me.  The Lord has done powerful work in my life here.  He has taught me endless things about who HE is.  He has used me in beautiful ways to teach, guide, and love these people who have been called to his ministry.  I am incredibly blessed to have been a small part of building Christ’s kingdom here in Zambia.  Although, relatively speaking, my work here has been small and short, Zambia itself is a BIG part of who I am now.

A part of me will be grieving during these last few weeks I have here, and a part of me will be rejoicing.  There certainly are many things that I WONT miss! (I can’t WAIT to have a long hot shower without worrying about the water running out!!) However, I know that I am leaving behind one family so that I can be reunited with another.  It is bittersweet.  And yet, in the midst of it all, there is JOY. 

Killing an Elephant

Yesterday was International Women’s Day.  A day to celebrate women: their rights, their role in society, as well as their potential.  In America women have got it pretty good.  I’m not saying there aren’t places or situations where women are still dehumanized, taken advantage of, and belittled.  However, for the most part, we are at a point in our history where women have as much societal freedom and opportunity as men.

In a place where women are still second-class citizens, forced to be defined by gender roles, and given far less independence, opportunities and respect as men, this is an important day to recognize.  Zambia is moving forward as far as gender equality goes. They’re definitely progressing in the right direction.  This is something I have been encouraged and proud to see in my time here. The Zambian government has declared this day a national holiday, a statement which tells the people of this country that women indeed are to be celebrated. 

I had big plans for my day “off”.  Sleep in a little, go for a run, grade the giant pile of papers that has once again accumulated on my desk, and do some lesson planning.  Truly, this was going to be a holiday- to have an extra day to just focus on “catching up” was a huge relief. 

After my run, shower, and devos I closed myself in my office and began reading and marking papers.  I don’t usually keep my door closed, but the heat was already getting to be 100+F at 10:30 AM… it was only going to go up from there.  Keeping my door closed kept the heat out, and also helped to keep me hidden from possible interruptions.  Apparently I didn’t hide too well because I had a few knocks at my door in the next hour, people asking for help asking to borrow money etc… the usual.

I’m barely through grading the 4^th paper from my stack of about 50+papers when there is another knock at the door.  I open it to find Mr. Mwaanga- an always humble, polite first year student.

Me- Hi how are you?

Mr. Mwaanga- I’m fine how are you?

Me- I’m fine, only it is very hot today!

Mr. Mwaanga- Yes it is very hot!

Awkward pause…

Me- Is there something I can help you with?

Mr. Mwaanga- Please madam, there is an emergency at the compound. (He says this with a small smile on his face and with his characteristic calmness, politeness, and humility.)

Me- WHAT?! An emergency?! What happened!?  (said with my characteristic jump into action panic)

Mr. Mwaanga- It is Mrs Handemu…

Me- Mrs. Handemu… OH! Is she ready to have the baby!?

Mr. Mwaanga- Yes!

Me- OK! I’m coming I’m coming!!

I quickly abandon my papers, lock my office, run to my house and grab the car keys, lock my apartment, run to the vehicle and shout to Elsie “Mrs. Handemu is in labor!!”  

I drive quickly to the student compound, navigating through the overgrown grass to her house.  People are mingling around and I say, “Where is she?!”  “She is in her house”  “Ok, can she manage to walk here to the vehicle?”  “She will try.”

Mrs. Handemu emerges from her house with a few women surrounding her as she slowly walks to the vehicle.  She is a shy, quiet girl only about 19 years old.  Also, she is one of our first year students who has very limited English.  She’s always struck me as a friendly person, but it has been difficult for us to communicate.

Me- Hi Mrs. Handemu, how are you?

Mrs. Handemu- I am fine.  (She says with a pained expression on her face, hands grasping her very pregnant belly, back arched over)

The other ladies and I laugh… between the cultural expectation to give a proper greeting, and her limited English, even in the midst of child birth she responds with, “I am fine.”  J 

Mrs. Sitali- She is NOT fine!! 

Me- Ok, lets get going.

Mrs. Kabayame, Mrs. Maulu, and Mrs. Sitali all assist Mrs. Handemu into the vehicle.  Mrs. Kabayame is carrying a bag of belongings for the hospital stay.  We wave goodbye to the crowd that has gathered, and drive to the clinic which is about a mile down the road.

At the clinic the nurse takes Mrs. Handemu into the labor room where she takes her blood pressure and temperature, then excuses all but Mrs. Sitali from the room so she can further examine her.

Sitting outside in the heat, Mrs. Kabayame, Mrs Maulu and I sit and chat.  I ask Mrs. Kabayame if it is culturally appropriate for me to stay, or if I should just go.  She reassures me that it is ok for me to stay.  I begin asking questions about what happens when a baby is born- who is allowed in the room etc.  We all laugh at our vast cultural differences.  They find it unusual and uncomfortable that the father is allowed in the room in America, and we all roar with laughter when I tell them that sometimes the father will feint while his poor wife is in labor.  We compare cultural notes too on whether or not the woman is allowed to scream.  Past traditions tell Zambian women that if they scream during labor then their baby will die, however like most traditions here it is fading into the past and some women do scream.

Meanwhile, the nurse comes out to tell us it won’t be long. The water hasn’t broken, but she reassures us this can happen sometimes and the baby is on its way soon.  She asks me if I want to assist with the delivery and I tell her only if Mrs. Handemu will let me.  Both Mrs. Handemu and the nurse give me permission, and all of a sudden I am asking myself whether or not I can actually DO this!?!  What if I pass out!? What if I vomit!? I don’t want to embarrass Mrs. Handemu or cause any problems!!  My hands are shaking and I can feel adrenaline and excitement pulsing through my body. 

All I had eaten at that point of the day was a bowl of cereal.  It was already 1:00 and I knew that I was much hungrier than I felt, especially since I had a long run that morning.  The heat and probable dehydration weren’t helping the weakness my body felt.  So I made the decision to rush home and give my body some food and water, figuring this will help me to have strength to make it through what was about to happen!  The nurses tell me to hurry because the baby would be there soon, I reassure them I’ll be fast.  I peek in to Mrs. Handemu and tell her I’ll be back soon, she is already writhing on the thin 2 inch foam “mattress”, hands grasping the bars of the metal frame of the headboard. 

One peanut butter sandwich, one cup of yogurt, one potty break, and 18 minutes later I’m back at the clinic.  The nurses tell me to run, so I rush into the small labor room where Mrs. Handemu is already pushing.  She is completely naked, and I felt ashamed for her thinking that they could have let her keep her shirt on.  However, I quickly learned that this was indeed a wise decision.  She is lying completely horizontally on the small hospital table with a plastic sheet underneath her.  When all was said and done she would be lying in a puddle of… well… birthing stuff. 

I ask the nurse how I can help and she instructs me to put on some gloves.  My next instruction was to be wiping sweat from Mrs. Handemu’s face.  I do this and encourage her as she bravely and strongly continues to pant, push, and groan.  Mrs. Sitali is also in the room, bringing drinking water and handing the nurse cotton swabs.  It is just the four of us.  There are no monitors, no pain medicines, and certainly nothing comfortable. It wasn’t until about 10 minutes after I returned that Mrs. Handemu was given a pillow for her head.  The other thing that is noticeably absent is a Doctor.  No Doctors for about 40 miles in fact. 

The amniotic membrane was protruding, but the nurse tells me they are discouraged from breaking it themselves.  So we all wait. Mrs. Handemu pushes.  She has her legs bent up, hands on her thighs… no hand holding… no ice chips… no husband… truly she was doing it all on her own.  It made me feel better to be able to wipe her face, squeeze her arm, and give her encouraging words and looks. Finally the sac breaks, and we all breathe a sigh of relief. 

 Within about thirty seconds the baby’s head is there!! Some excited communication to Mrs. Handemu tells her the news, however the nurse and the rest of us quickly realize something isn’t right.  Mrs. Handemu is told to stop pushing.  I think my heart stopped beating and I stopped breathing too.  The baby was obviously very blue.  Of course I wouldn’t have known the difference between how blue he should or shouldn’t have been, but I instinctively knew this was TOO blue.  With a little poking and looking we realize the chord is around the baby’s neck.

My mind starts racing with prayers, trying to ignore the reality that IF this baby is in trouble there is absolutely nothing we can do.  I watch, holding Mrs. Handemu’s arm, as the nurse very skillfully clamps the chord, cuts it, and removes it from the baby’s throat.  She did an excellent job, obviously working from experience.  Within moments the baby’s head starts moving, the color blue is replaced with the color pink, and MY heart starts beating again. 

One final push from Mrs. Handemu, one skilled pull from the nurse, and our party of 4 has suddenly become a party of 5.  There is a little teeny tiny scrawny slimy PERSON in the room! 

The nurse holds the baby up to Mrs. Handemu who is finally able to relax a little bit,

Nurse: Munsankwa or Musimbi?

Mrs Handemu:  Munsankwa.

IT’S A BOY!!! 

The little baby is left lying on the table, beginning to attempt to cry, while the nurse gathers the tools for suction.  She asks me if I want to do it, and I decline… not wanting to make a mistake!  A few sucks here and a few squirts there and WOWEEE this baby’s lungs and vocal chords work perfectly!!  We all chuckle at the loud noises coming from this tiny creature and the nurse lays him on the scale.

Nurse:  3.5 Kgs!!! Kapati maningi!  (VERY big!)

There are blankets and chitenges already laid out and the nurse carefully wraps the naked baby up.  He seems comforted for a moment to be snug in the blankets, but then continues to prove to us that his lungs work.   The weighing was the only measurements taken for the baby.  No blood pressure, no temperature, no heart beat… the only signs to tell us that we had a healthy baby was… well… there he was!  A crying, living, breathing tiny baby boy.

Me: Mrs. Handemu, he looks just like Mikey!  They are obviously brothers.

Mrs. Handemu weakly gives the first smile she has given all day J

The baby is left unattended while the rest of us help Mrs. Handemu with a few final pushes for the placenta.  A short examination and the nurse says there aren’t any serious lacerations, and Mrs. Handemu has very successfully given birth to her second baby boy!  Praise the Lord for a safe delivery!

We clean up the table, wipe down Mrs. Handemu, and she begins to put on some clothes.  The nurse asks if she has a pad.  No, she doesn’t.  So Mrs. Handemu is instructed to put some chitenge cloth in her underpants to soak up any extra blood etc.  Mrs. Handemu is standing up on her feet, and communicates that she is hungry!  She walks, unassisted, to the female ward, while I gather Mrs Kabayame to go to my house to do some cooking.  It is the family and friends’ responsibility to provide food for hospital patients.

As quickly as possible we cook up a pot of nsima, rice, hard boiled eggs, and tomato/onion “soup”.  It should be enough food for all of us ladies who had been waiting on Mrs. Handemu. While we’re cooking Mrs Kabayame tells me that Mrs. Handemu had been carrying water, washing pots, and all kinds of other chores this morning.  She had begun labor contractions sometime the night before, yet she still went about her responsibilities in the morning.  When I came to the compound to pick her up she was probably already nearly fully dilated.  It was only about 1 hour and 20 minutes between when we arrived at the clinic and when the baby was born. 

About an hour later we return to the clinic. As we drive past Rev. Habbaba’s house we shout out the window, “It’s a boy!!!”  They clap and jump and dance at the exciting news. 

Arriving at the clinic, food in hand, we find a much more relaxed Mrs. Handemu with her precious teeny tiny baby who has already discovered how to nurse and is happily sucking away. 

Mrs. Handemu gratefully accepts the food and begins eating.  After a few happy photos, the rest of us take our food outside to eat our portion. 

As we’re sitting in the shade, still 100+F, I feel the adrenaline wear off and exhaustion set in.  Although hot and tired I am bursting inside with JOY. 

Mrs. Kabayame:  Lauren!  You have killed an elephant!!

Me:  WHAT?!!? 

We all roar with laughter.

Me:  What!? That sounds terrible!!

Mrs. Kabayame: No, it is a good thing!  It means you have successfully accomplished a very big job!

Me:  Haha oh!  Wow… so I killed an elephant AND delivered a baby all in one day!?! 

We return to Mrs. Handemu and ask if there is anything else she needs.  She asks for some tea and scones, and I happily agree to bring her some. 

As we drive out of the clinic we see MR Handemu coming down the path- someone was finally able to contact him and he came as quickly as he could from the village he was visiting.  We announce to him he is the father of another baby BOY.  This photo explains it all:

The ladies help me wash dishes, bake some scones and make some tea.  In the meanwhile they share stories with me of their own deliveries… let’s just say there was so much laughter in my apartment that people came by asking to see what the excitement was all about. 

We return to the clinic and find Mr. Handemu very happily and proudly holding his baby.  My heart melts.  There is something extremely significant about a father holding his child in this culture.  It is a symbol of the shift of gender roles and expectations.  A father is now allowed to express his love for his children and help to take care of them.  This father was bursting with excitement and joy, so much so that he was dancing J

Me: Mr Handemu, you should be very proud of your wife- she did a great job.  She is very strong!

Mr. Handemu: (very genuinely) Yes! I am SO proud of her.  She is so wonderful, and I am so happy for my new baby!!

We all pass around the baby taking pictures, giggling as the little tiny person in our arms sucks on his hands and attempts to suck our fingers too.  

Someone suggests to Mr. Handemu that he needs to buy his wife a new chitenge.  A new chitenge for a new baby!  He happily agrees and skips out of the ward running off to the nearby shops. 

I give Mrs. Handemu a handful of pads, happy to be able to give her something more sanitary than her chitenge cloth.  At least for the next couple days she’ll be able to have something more comfortable.  I also hand her a little newborn outfit that I have been saving for her baby.  These are the first clothes this baby will wear J

The other ladies check the time and realize that they should be getting home to cook food for their own families, and I happily agree to call it a day. 

And WOW what a day!!! There is still a giant pile of papers on my desk to grade and lessons to plan and plenty of other things to DO.  But I can’t imagine a better way to celebrate International Women’s Day!!

On March 8^th 2013 at approximately 1:30PM I helped to deliver a little baby boy.  The Lord has known this little baby from before the time he was conceived.  He looks so tiny and frail, and he is- yet the Lord knows him.  He knows the name that this baby hasn’t been given yet, he knows his future, he knows everything.  Without any doctors, medicine, monitors or comforts, this little life came into the world simply and beautifully by the unique and perfect way that the Lord designed it to happen.  What an amazing blessing to be a witness to the messy, smelly, and yet so beautiful moment of this little life entering the world!!   

The Scarlet "L"

I had a hard time picking a name for this blog post.  A few other options were “Encounters with Corruption,”  “Most frustrating experience of my life,”  “Little Red Monster,” and “Driving failure.”  Suffice it to say that a long run at sunset and a few words with God injected enough humility in me to see the whole picture of the story I’m about to tell.

When I first came to Zambia the discussion about me getting my Zambian driver’s license surfaced, however was interrupted with my extended illness and resulting absence from the country.  The need for me to get my license was never urgent- Mike did all the driving for our missionary trio, Cindy wasn’t licensed either, and public transport is easy enough that when I needed to travel alone I could take a bus and taxis to get where I was going. 

After the Helvie’s left, it became a sudden necessity for me to get my license.  Sounds a whole lot easier said than done. 

The first hurdle I had to cross was learning how to drive manually.  On the right side of the vehicle.  On the left side of the road.  Selinda, one of my fellow Global Partners missionaries, graciously took the time to teach me.  She was an extremely patient and encouraging instructor and I am so grateful for her help.   Out on some dirt roads in the bush I learned how to shift gears, start and stop on hills, and come to emergency stops when Selinda would shout “COW!!!”  (This involved a lot of strange looks by the locals… two white girls driving back and forth in the bush… we were quite the sight!) By the end of a few lessons, we both felt fairly confident that I was getting the hang of it.  So the time came to begin the process of getting my license.

Selinda warned me that the process, like most “processes” in Zambia, would be frustrating and require many trips to the closest Road Traffic and Safety Authority (RTSA- Affectionately pronounced RAT-SAH).  Fair warning.  However, neither of us could possibly foresee the headaches to come.

Friday, January 18th – 1^st trip to RTSA.  (3hours round trip, 120KM, $46)

We pull into the gated compound of the RTSA office to a parking lot scattered with various damaged trucks and vehicles and no clear markings to know where to park.  We choose a spot, and I walk over to the RTSA building.  There are two doors.  The first door is overflowing with people waiting in “line” (more like a blob).  I choose to go to door #2 where there are a few men working at a desk.  The desk is piled high with paperwork and an ancient desktop computer (you know, with the giant monitors… remember those?!) 

Me “Hi, how are you?” 

RTSA man “Fine and you madam?”

Me “Fine, I need to take my oral examination to get my driving permit.” 

RTSA man “You mean the theory test?”

Me “Yes”

RTSA man “We only do those on Mondays and Tuesdays.”

Me “Oh… Is there anything I can do today to begin the process? I live far away and it is difficult for me to come.”

RTSA man “Sure.  You will need to begin some paperwork.  Go to the first window in the next office.  Also, you will need one of these Highway Code books to study.  You can’t pass the test without studying it”

Me “ok, how much does it cost?”

RTSA man “It costs 10 Kwacha.  ($2)  But for you, you can have it for free.”

Me “Thank you!”

After a few more polite words I head to the other office where the mob is emerging.  It only takes me a few minutes to realize that almost every person in the mob is a taxi driver who is taking care of various paperwork.  They are all men, and all in their 20s-30s.  In other words, I stick out. (more than usual)  I make my way into what seems to be the correct line, and put on my “patient” cap for the wait that ensues.  The “patient cap” gets shoved off a few times when the taxi drivers push past me to cut in front of me.  After what was probably only 15 minutes I’m at the counter. 

There are three separate booths with employees and computers at them, protected by a wall of plexi-glass.  There is only a slot at the bottom of the plexi glass to pass papers, no hole to communicate with the person behind the scratched plastic.  So after some shouting, I manage to communicate with the lady and she finds me one form for personal information then sets out on a mission to find the “medical clearance” form. 

RTSA lady “I’m sorry, but we are all out of the Medical clearance form.”

Me “oh… so what do I do?”
RTSA lady “You can try at the Choma Hospital.  They should have them there.”

She points to a sign on the wall that tells me the days and times for the theory test.

In the next few weeks I spent some time reviewing what was written in the “Highway Code” book. I had several moments of laughter when I read road rules about ox-carts and wheelbarrows, situations you could only find in a place like Zambia.  I also had several more laughs when I reviewed the hundreds of road signs listed in the book- probably only about 10% of these signs can actually be found in Zambia. 

Monday February 4^th (2^nd trip) (3hrs, 120KM, $46)

The first thing I needed to do this time in Choma was receive medical clearance so that I could get my permit.  I went to the doctor’s office which we have used regularly for malaria concerns, the same office where I was misdiagnosed regularly.  They took the RTSA form for me and began an extensive physical exam which included weight, blood pressure, height, tests for color blindness, eye-exam for reading from a distance, questions about drugs and alcohol etc… I was then charged K100 ($20) for the doctor to sign the form giving me clearance to drive.

After this I made my way back to the RTSA office where I waited to take the exam.  Selinda had told me that the theory test was a simple oral exam where they only asked you a few questions and then you’d be good to go.  Well it quickly became apparent that my short oral exam was actually going to be a long written test.  

Crammed into a small room with 3 other test-takers, computers, chairs, cabinets, a mini-fridge, and a copy machine, I was given a 4 page written exam.  Within a half-hour I had answered MOST of the questions to the best of my ability.  I felt pretty good that I got about 80% of the test correct, which seemed pretty good to me seeing as how I hadn't been prepared for such an extensive test.

The other gentlemen in the room were scrambling between the pages of their Highway Code book, copying answers.  Cheating.  We were completely unsupervised.  Not gonna lie, I felt pretty tempted to do the same… but decided to have some honesty and dignity about the situation.  They were surprised when I climbed over their laps to leave the crammed room to see that I had finished so quickly, and didn’t even cheat!

I leave the room, wait in a line not so patiently, and find the person behind the plexi-glass, sound proof wall that I’m supposed to give my test to:

RTSA man: You’re done already?!

Me: Yes.  What do I need to do next?

RTSA man: You need to come back in a week to get your test score.

Me: Can you please grade it now?  I live very far away and a trip just to pick up the score would be very expensive and difficult.

RTSA Man: No, that is not possible.

Me: Ok… can I schedule my road test?

RTSA man: No, you cannot schedule your road test without your test scores. How do I know you haven’t failed?
(At this point, both of our temperatures and voices were rising.)

Me: Please you can just look at my test, you can see that I’ve written the correct answers.

RTSA man: No, that is not possible. (obviously irritated with me)

Me: I’m not trying to be difficult, I just don’t want to have to come back simply to pick up my test scores.

RTSA man: NO YOU JUST WANT TO ARGUE WITH ME.

I honestly don’t remember the exact words of the rest of the conversation, but I know it ended with me huffing away angry and irritated. 

Thursday,February 14th (3^rd Trip) (3 hrs, 120km, $46)

Doing what I was told, I took another trip to Choma simply to pick up my test scores from the RTSA office.  Walking into the office I do the usual navigating to figure out who is the right person I need to talk to.  Finally I find a man who pulls out a large ledger book.  He writes my name on a slip of paper along with the number “30”

Me: What does this mean?

RTSA man:  It means you got a 30%.  You failed.  You need to take the test again.

Me: (Heart drops into my stomach, blood starts boiling, steam starts coming out my ears) There is NO way I got a 30%.

RTSA man: That’s what this says.  You’ve failed.

(I glance at the ledger page and see that my fellow test takers, who cheated, have passed with flying colors.  I am certain that the man who I argued with failed me out of spite.)

Me: I want to see my test. I want to know what I got wrong.

RTSA man: That is not possible.

Me: What do you mean it’s not possible- it is MY TEST.

RTSA man: It’s not possible.

Me: So in other words you threw it away, and I have no way to know what I got wrong? (OR RIGHT!)

RTSA man: It’s not possible. Unless you speak to the manager.

Me: Fine. Yes.  I’ll speak to the manager.  Where is he?

RTSA man: He’s busy.

Me: Fine. I’ll wait. 

I sit down in the chair right next to him, cross my arms, cross my legs and put on my best “I’m angry” face.  I believe the correct word is “fuming”. After a few minutes the manager, who was in the next room actually listening to our heated conversation, comes out.

Manager: What is the problem?

Me: They say I’ve failed my test. There is no way I got a 30%.  YOU KNOW I did not get a 30%.

Manager: You took the test?

Me: Yes, and they say that I’ve failed.  There is NO WAY that I got a 30%. I’ve been driving in America for 9 years. This is ridiculous.

Manager: You have an American license?
Me: Yes. (pulling out my license)

Manager: Alright, come with me.

After a miracle of a conversation, a few bits of paperwork, and K62.25 ($11.92) later, I finally have my Zambian Driving PERMIT.   

Me: Can I schedule my road test now?

Manager: No, you need to come back on Monday to schedule.

Me: Please, I live very far away. I can’t just come back to schedule an appointment.

Manager: sorry, but we can’t do that. Your permit needs time to mature.  (In other words, no good reason at all)

Not wanting to push my luck, I give in to this ridiculous requirement and leave, thankful to at least have my permit. 

Monday February 18th (4^th trip) (3 hrs, 120KM, $46)

                After giving my permit four days to “mature” I return to RTSA to schedule my road test.  Without too terribly long of an impatient wait in lines getting shoved around by my taxi-driving friends, K42.80 ($8.23) and 20 minutes later I leave the office happily scheduled to take my official road test on March 1^st  at 11:00AM. 

Friday March 1^st (5^th trip) (3 hrs, 120km, $46)

          Pulling into the parking lot, I jokingly said, “Back to my favorite place in Zambia!” I arrived at RTSA early, around 10:00AM.  There was NO way I was going to be considered late for my test.  I was thankful that I arrived early because the long line of taxi-drivers was exceptionally long today and it again took some time for me to navigate who it was I was supposed to talk to.

                Finally, a man with a neon yellow RTSA vest on, about 5’5” and weighing no more than I do, came out to begin our tests.  He takes my papers and compares it with his schedule book.

Tiny RTSA man: “You’re not in my schedule book, you will need to come back another time.”

Me: What do you mean I’m not scheduled, I came here two weeks ago to schedule. You can see right here on my papers that I’m scheduled for today at 11:00AM

Tiny RTSA man: It doesn’t matter. If you’re not written in my book, then you’re not in my schedule and I don’t have time to test you. You will need to come back another time.  Let me write you into another day.
Me: (Once again fuming) There is NO way I’m coming back.  I live very far away and it is very expensive for me to travel here.  I did EVERYTHING I was told to do. I scheduled my test TWO weeks ago.  Just because someone in your office made a mistake doesn’t mean I should have to leave.

 

People were gathering around us observing the obvious evidence that I had in fact been scheduled…

Tiny RTSA man: Sorry, but maybe you can wait and if someone doesn’t come then I can test you.

Me: So I need to wait all day for you to have free time, even though I came on time for MY TEST.

Tiny RTSA man: Sorry, but that is all I can do.

Me: Fine. I’ll wait.

Storming away, with many eyes following me, I loudly tell my fellow missionaries the terrible news that we would be waiting around all day for the slight possibility of taking a test.  It took a little while for my blood to cool down, but I finally calmed down enough to return to wait at the office where I would be in plain view of Mr. Tiny RTSA man so he would know that I was in fact waiting for him.  I waited in the 100+F heat for 2.5 hours, watching Mr. Tiny RTSA man come and go with other test subjects, and also watched him do a few vehicle inspections.  For each test subject he took on the road, he posted a giant red “L” to their front and back bumper to indicate they were “Learners”.  After watching him awhile I started to pity him.  He was doing the job of about 5 people, and as far as I could tell there were only 2 other RTSA employees at the office processing paper. 

At his lunch break, we decided it would be good for us to get food too. We drove out of the parking lot behind him and down through town… I counted at least 3 driving errors that he made in the short time we followed him. 

I had peeked in his notebook to see that his next scheduled appointment was at 2:30, so I rushed our meal to make sure we were back by 2:00.  Maybe if we got back before his appointment, he would let me take the test. 

Back at the RTSA office at 2:00 I notice his vehicle had returned; a little glimmer of hope.  I walk into the other office and ask if he has returned, and decide to wait right there with the other employees.  The men communicate with Tiny RTSA man in the other room in Tonga.  I know enough Tonga to know that they said, “The white girl has come.”  He calls me into the other room and instructs me to put the Red “L” signs on my vehicle- he would test me in just a few minutes!

HOORAYY! Answer to prayer.  A few minutes wait later and we begin our test.  I try to be as polite as possible, and drive as carefully as possible while he instructs me which way to go etc. He takes me over a railroad track, tests me starting and stopping on a hill, then to some back roads of Choma. He answered his cell phone a total of 3 times while he was testing me.

RTSA Man: Please make a U-turn, we are going to return back to the station.

Me: I’m sorry but I can’t make a U-Turn the road isn’t wide enough.

RTSA man: You need to turn around, we are going back.

Me: Ok, do you want me to pull into a drive way or do a k-turn?  I don’t understand what you’re asking me to do.

RTSA man: Its part of the test.  We are turning around now.

Confused by his cryptic words I safely pull into a driveway, stop, look both ways, not a vehicle in sight because it’s a back road, and reverse out into the road.

Back to the station he brings me to his office to give me the results.  I felt pretty confident about it, the only thing I knew I had done wrong was I stalled once, but quickly recovered. (Still not fully confident with manual, I was just happy it was the first time I stalled all day!)

 RTSA man: You have failed.

Me: (heart sinking) I did?!

RTSA man: Yes.  The first thing I always test for is whether or not the driver checks the engine.  See this list here, it is a list of all the things you must check before driving.  A good driver would check all of these things.  (The list includes everything from oil levels, water levels, battery, lights, horn, and tire nuts etc.)

Me: Oh.  (Do you think I would have driven the 1.5 hours here if I thought my vehicle wasn’t in shape?!)

RTSA man: The other mistake you made was that you reversed into a main road.

Me: What?! (I’ve been driving for 9 years and have never been the cause of an accident!)

RTSA man: The Highway Code says very clearly that it is not safe to reverse into a main road. (Points it out in the book) 

Me: You mean that back road where you had me turn around?  That was a MAIN road?! There wasn’t any traffic coming at all. (AND in ten more feet, the road turns into a DIRT road!)

RTSA man: It doesn’t matter. It’s not safe.

Me: *Nodding my head, biting my tongue*(The entire main street of Choma is lined with about 40 perpendicular parking spots.  It is impossible to park in Choma without reversing dangerously into oncoming traffic.)

RTSA man: I didn’t take off any points for your stalling.  Other than those things, your driving was perfect. (He says with a knowing smile) You will need to schedule another test for another day.

Me: (Do I give in and give him a bribe or do I stay honest and not give into corruption…)

Choosing the high road, another K42.80 ($8.23) later, and I am now schedule to Re-Test on March 22^nd. 

My students who were traveling with me, after hearing the story, all agreed that he was just anticipating a bribe. 

The Scarlet “L”

This experience of getting my license has been immensely frustrating.  And long.  And I can’t believe it still isn’t over.  Throughout this process I have seen the ugliest side of myself: the angry, irritable, entitled, pushy, impatient, little red monster side.  Perhaps it is justified anger and frustration.  However, the entitled “get-it-done” American in me, isn’t going to have any positive influence with the slow, non-confrontational, relationship-focused Africans I am interacting with if I am pushy and bossy and angry and... need I go on?  The Lord called me to love and serve in Zambia.  He called me to be a witness here.  And you can guarantee that every person I interact with KNOWS I am with a church ministry.  What kind of a witness am I being to Mr. RTSA man?  Somehow, the entitled American attitude needs to be pushed aside and stifled so that Christ’s love is reflected to the person in front of me.

After each of these frustrating experiences I have felt embarrassed.  I've felt rude and mean and like the worst missionary EVER.  All eyes are on me.  And what did they see? I’m pretty certain they saw someone careening through life without giving any kind of care or concern for the people she bulldozes.  (I can only HOPE this is an exaggeration of what they felt… but maybe not!)

I’ve decided that what I need is one of those giant scarlet “L” posters hanging on my front and backside.  That way everyone who sees me coming or going knows that I’m a “Learner,” guaranteed to make mistakes… but hopefully with the ultimate outcome of learning something. 

Somewhere on the other side of this lesson is a stronger, less ugly Lauren… Lord help me to choose to persevere.  Help me to love and forgive and hope.  AND PLEASE, Please Lord, help me to finally get my driving license!!!