Jesus Wept.

 A few weeks ago my friend died.   He shouldn’t have died.  Not just because his death was medically preventable.  But he shouldn’t have died because he was a good man, father, husband, and pastor.

I wept that week. 

The timing of his death created a cross-road.  I was in the middle of dialoguing with Bible College leadership regarding my visit when Mr. Mwaanga died.   Suddenly a flood of memories, emotions and pain from Post-Zambia-Disorder were re-awakened. 

I wept because I lost my friend.  And I wept because I wanted to run away from Zambia and never look back. 

Never again will I let myself love so deeply, never again will I subject myself to so much hurt.  My friends keep dying. The students I poured my heart into, planting seeds into a ministry which would overflow from their commitment and sacrifice.  Not to mention the many pains of the conflicts of leadership struggles and weaknesses which persist in the college/missionary realm.  As I wept, my heart ran.

Jesus wept.

Wait, what was that?

Jesus wept.

Yeah yeah, the shortest verse in the Bible, so many memory verses and you give me this one?

Jesus. Wept.

Jesus, Omniscient, Almighty, Son of God, King of Kings, Wonderful Counselor, Prince of Peace… wept.

Weeping that was snotty, pain filled, red-eyed, heart-aching, gut wrenching, nausea inducing...

Why did he weep?  He knew Lazarus would come back from the dead? 

He wept because he loved.  And loving hurts. 

Loving a broken world where your friends die before their time hurts.  Loving a broken people who don’t love you back hurts.  Loving and pouring your life out without seeing the fruit of your labor hurts.

Jesus’ humanity is most visible in these glimpses of emotion.  He got angry too.  He was angry because the people who were supposed to be doing ministry right, weren’t.  He got the kind of angry that makes you throw tables around.  The kind of angry that makes you run down the road in the bush screaming at the sky, throwing rocks, and punching imaginary faces.  (And being thankful it’s the bush where no one can see or hear you.)

Holistic, incarnational ministry isn’t easy.  Real, transformational, redemptive ministry isn’t easy.

Returning to Zambia is not easy for me.  And this visit is surely going to be full of challenges; physical, emotional and spiritual.  Returning means I’m not running away from the pain of love, and that pain is not easy to choose. 

But… returning does mean I get to love. 

Can you imagine if Jesus chose to run away from the pain instead of choosing love? 

I love, because he first loved. 

I weep, because Jesus wept. 

My Mom.

My mom is my best friend.  She always has been, whether I knew it or not.  I’ve always been close with her, because she’s always been there for me.  She knows me the best of any person, and is my biggest cheer leader. 

Sometimes I feel embarrassed that my mom is my best friend.  Something in our culture of independence tells us we should eventually not be attached to our parents.  Psychology tells us that there is something unhealthy or imbalanced about an adult child being overly-emotionally connected to their parent.  But then our culture of independence and psychology tells us to “move on” when our adult parents die, and we can’t grieve properly because we first weren’t allowed to love properly.  We regret time wasted, arguments had, love left un-loved.

Well, today, I’m telling you world, I LOVE MY MOM!!!!

She’s my super-hero, my rock, my prayer-warrior. She’s my shoulder-to-cry-on, my laugh-with-me, my banter-with-me, my love-me-anyway-always-no-matter-what. 

My mom is the kind of mom who prays a prayer of surrender for the tiny baby inside of her when her pregnancy is at risk, saying “This baby is yours Lord. Let her live.”  My mom is the kind of mom who gives up her career to be a mom.  The kind of mom who does all the crafts, the school plays, the Halloween costumes, the church clubs, the birthday scavenger-hunts, the sleepovers… The kind of mom who does the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, the pet-caring, the taxi-mom driving… My mom is the kind of mom who hovers in the next room when I date boys I shouldn’t, letting me make mistakes but still being there to pick up the pieces.   My mom is the ready to listen to all my growing-pain problems, watching me become an adult while still seeing a tiny baby kind of mom.

My mom is the kind of mom who achingly lets the Lord do as he will in my life, praying and hurting and sending and loving me to Africa.  My mom is the kind of mom who is ready to hop on a plane when I’m in the middle of the bush sick with “malaria.” My mom is the hold-your-hair-while-you-vomit kind of mom. (still) The kind of mom who comes to Africa twice to support my ministry, do my laundry, and wash my dishes.  She’s the kind of mom who waits and walks with me while I heal, sees beyond my broken hurt and hopes and prays and believes in me. 

Most of all she believes in the Lord who is at work in me, and trusts in Him with her whole heart, mind and strength.   She has exemplified what the Lord’s unconditional love is like.  And like she’s always said, “The Lord loves you, and he loves you way more than I do. Which is hard to believe, because I love you billions.”

When I say I’m gonna go visit Zambia, my mom is the kind of mom who, without skipping a beat, says, “Do you want me to go with you?”

I love you mom! And I’m so thankful we get to share this journey together.  

Jehovah-Jireh

Well a week ago I sent my first post about The Return, including an “ask” for financial support.  Fingers crossed, leap of faith, trusting somehow God will provide for this trip He’s calling me on.  (You know, that trust mixed with panic as you say to yourself “Really God? This just may be the stupidest financial decision of my life!”) A couple days passed, the blog was read, statistics rose showing 60+ viewers… no response for financial help.

*cue panic, doubt, fear, anxiety*

Well, Jehovah- Jireh, my provider, strikes again, slapping me in the face and reminding me He really does have it all under control.  This is HIS ministry, not mine. 

Ways the Lord has proven He’s gonna provide for my every need:

1. I eat a relatively restricted diet for medical reasons.  My diet is one that promotes health, low inflammation, and high immunity…  Groceries for this diet are very expensive.   Fuller offers a Food Distribution to the community every Wednesday with donated items from grocery stores. I’ve gone once in the past and haven’t gone since, primarily because it is usually canned/boxed goods which I can’t eat.  This week I felt prompted to go.  I walked away with a heavy bag of groceries worth around $40… FREE.

2. Last night I babysat for a family I only met a couple of months ago.  I shared with them about how I will not be available for babysitting in the summer, explaining my trip to Zambia.  When they paid me at the end of the night they wrote a separate check for $100 encouraging me saying, “We believe in what you’re doing! And we figure you only need 34 more people to write a check like that one.”  (They were also very generous in their babysitting payment!)

3. This morning I received word back from the travel agency regarding tickets.  As I opened the email, I braced myself for the blow of the cost for the tickets… afraid to think about how much prices have risen in 2 years.  I couldn’t believe it when I read that each individual round-trip ticket would cost $1,875.  Tears hit my eyes… I’m pretty sure in the past my one-way tickets cost $1,400… this price is $700 LESS than what I budgeted for. 

Plane-tickets are purchased, and my bank account is looking quite sad (especially after paying this month's rent!)… but I feel even more hopeful and full of faith that the Lord will provide for each day’s needs. 

Thank you for joining me in prayer and faith, knowing that the Lord will provide!

Please pray for the following:

1- Financial provision

2- I will still be paying rent in California while I am gone. Pray that someone will become available to sub-let the space so that I don’t have this extra cost!  (Anyone want to live in Cali in a fully-furnished apartment for 2 months?!)

3- The next things on the to-do list will be navigating medical stuff (vaccine updates, malaria prevention, travel insurance etc.) pray this goes smoothly

4- I am still a full-time student, part-time baby-sitter, and full-time human being who needs sleep, friends, and health!  Pray for balance, perseverance, and provision. J

Thank you for sharing this journey with me! 

Dates! Details!

After a few quick text messages with Rev. Habbaba in Zambia ($0.25 each!), Mom and I have picked our dates, which will be set in stone when plane ticket prices are compared and settled.

The itinerary is looking like this:

July 1st: Depart Rochester NY
July 2nd: Land in Livingstone, Zambia
July 2nd-6th: Visit friends in Livingstone/Zimba/Choma
July 6th-17th: Stay at Pilgrim Wesleyan Bible College in Jembo
July 17th-22nd: Visit friends in Choma/Zimba/Livingstone
July 23rd Depart Livingstone
July 24th: Land in Rochester NY

For the two weeks that will will be at PWBC Rev Habbaba has requested that Mom spend time teaching the ladies English classes, while I will be teaching the 2nd and 3rd year students an intensive course on Church History.

Currently Rev. Habbaba is the only full time lecturer on staff.  College leadership is in transition, so he is carrying the weight of the teaching responsibilities along with various part time visiting lecturers.  Compare this to when I was there and we had 5 full time-lecturers... in other words, they need some help.  I'm thankful that we can at least relieve the stress of this workload for a short time!!

Thank you for praying for Rev. Habbaba, PWBC, and all those who are involved in the hiring process for college leadership.

These dates are sneaking up quickly! Please let me know if you would like to contribute financially :) Laureninzambia@gmail.com

We are really really looking forward to being in the classroom again with these eager learners!!

The Return.

The Return.

July 30th will mark 2 years since I left Zambia.  Not a day goes by that I don’t think about going back… and with every passing day a prayer for the proverbial “door” to open so that I can visit my Zambian family.   Up until now the timing has never been right.  My class schedule at Fuller hasn’t allowed me to take the time away, or I have been sick, or the anxiety resulting from PTSD from Zambia has crippled me with fear of returning.  Healing, both physical, emotional, and spiritual, have occurred with medical attention, counseling, and time.  And that yearning just keeps getting stronger.

For Lent I made an intentional effort to pray for discernment as to whether or not I would travel to Zambia this summer.  Setting the goal that on Easter Sunday I would decide to begin making plans, each day my ears and heart were open to whatever whispers the Lord might be giving me.  The second Sunday of Lent I woke up and said, “Ok Lord, today at church I want you to give me some real clear direction.”  (You know, that doubtful prayer where you hope for a “sign”) Well… in church that morning the choir happened to sing a “Zambian folk song.” (They made a valiant muzungu effort at African rhythms and Bemba words) I laughed while I wept and sang along to the words and my heart stirred with familiar Zambian rhythms.  (It’s a good thing it’s a mega-church and no one knows me)

Continued prayers for discernment led to communicating with Zambian friends, and resulting with this last week’s final “Yes! Please come!”

The best part: my mom is coming with me J  Counseling has uncovered the root of my PTSD, which was a deep sense of being very alone for 2 years in the midst of very hard trials.  I’m so thankful mom is coming with me, not just so I won’t be alone, but because I know how much her heart is connected with Zambia and our Zambian family.

The trip.

This isn’t a “doing” trip.  This is a “being” trip. 

One of the main complaints I have heard from Zambians about missionaries is that we come and serve, and then never come back or communicate.  The relational nature of the culture is deeply pained by this broken nature of missions, more-so than any other mistake the missionaries might make. 

This trip is about continuing the relationships I have made in the past.  It is about encouraging my friends in ministry, grieving with my friends who have lost their spouses to untimely deaths, and celebrating the successes of growth which are occurring at the Bible College.  It is about making sure my friends know that I haven’t forgotten them, praying the prayers I’ve prayed for them each day- but in person, and just being together.

Mom and I plan to do some teaching at the Bible College to help support the staff with their heavy work load, but I know that a couple weeks of teaching will only have a small impact compared to the encouragement I hope we can bring.

The Plan.

I’m taking the summer quarter off from classes.  This will allow me to travel home, pack with mom (and visit Margaret of course!), and travel together to Zambia.  Dates are not set in stone yet, but we expect the trip will be about 3 weeks in the month of July.  2 weeks of this time will be at the bible college, while other time will be spent visiting with graduates at their sites of ministry, as well as visiting some missionary friends. 

Want to Join Us?

The ministry which I have done in Zambia has only been partially by my efforts. Without the team of support that the Lord has surrounded me with I would have never been able to go, and certainly would not be sustained without the prayers and encouragement you have given me.  The Lord has worked powerfully through everything you have done as a part of this ministry.

Will you continue to join me in serving the Lord in Zambia? 

Pray.

Prayer is hard work.   Would you be willing to help us carry the responsibility of this ministry by praying for us? 

Please pray for:

-Details.  So many things still need to come together!

-Clear communication with Zambia.

-Physical health- I always seem to be fighting something, be it a migraine or a cold or chronic fatigue.  Pray that I stay healthy and strong in the months leading up to the trip.

-Emotional strength- the healing process the Lord has had me on has been so beautiful, pray this continues.

-Spiritual protection- Satan would just love to get his dirty little paws on this and destroy the Lord’s work happening here…

Give.

Mom is going to be paying her own way.  I plan to pay out of pocket as well, however the grad-school budget is tight and the costs of this trip just may mean I go hungry when I come back J

Would you be willing to give financially to help cover costs?

I am budgeting a total of $3,500 for my portion of the trip.  $2,500 of this will cover my airfare, while the $1,000 will cover food, lodging, in-country travel, visa, and seed money for donations/gifts for friends. 

Any extra money raised above this budget will be saved for further ministry efforts in Zambia, which may include direct donations to development projects currently happening at the Bible College and surrounding area. 

If you would like to participate financially, please send me an email at Laureninzambia@gmail.com for more details.  Every little bit helps!!!

Thank you!

Thank you so much for continuing to share this journey with me!!  Wow! What a journey it has been!