Holly: A Christmas Reflection

         On my ¼ mile commute to Lake Avenue Church I walk over a bridge which many homeless people call home.  Overpassing 10 lanes of traffic and 2 train lines, with elevator and stair access to the metro station below, the bridge is a busy place with a lot of opportunity for hand-outs as well as many corners to sleep in.  I’ve become accustomed to my early morning walks including the stench of urine coming from the elevator, passing by at least 8 sleeping people on my side of the street (many more visible on the other side), and sometimes dodging vomit and other nastiness on the sidewalk. 

O come, Thou Day-Spring, come and cheer

Our spirits by Thine advent here

Disperse the gloomy clouds of night

And death's dark shadows put to flight.

                About 2 months ago I started seeing a woman on the corners of Corson and Lake on Sunday mornings.  The first few times I saw her I was very confused by her.  She held artistic signs proclaiming “GOD LOVES EVERYONE!” and “EVEN A SMILE HELPS!”  She was flamboyant in her mannerisms, smiling and waving at every car passing by.  At first I was offended and thought maybe she wasn’t homeless, but someone who chose this particular area to proselytize on Sunday mornings.   She was rather forward and I was uncomfortable walking by her.   

Word of the Father, now in flesh appearing…

                After a few weeks of seeing her on her corner regularly, I realized that she most likely was homeless and this corner was her home.  The first day I talked to her she was crying.  I asked her if she was ok and she told me “This sweet little angel, this little girl, just gave me this bag of candy and a note that says “God loves you” and it is just the nicest thing anyone has done for me!” 

He Comes to make his blessings flow, far as the curse is found...

                I stayed and talked with her for a few minutes and she shared bits of her story with me.  The first thing she shared with me, proudly, was that she had been sober for a few months and doing very well. She was (and since has always been) clearly sober, and not inebriated in any way.  She shared snippets of horror from her past: A boyfriend who pimped her out for money, gang violence which led to clearly broken and poorly healed fingers, temporary blindness due to an eye-drop bottle which was given to her actually being full of acid… yet all of this was shared not for pity, just to tell it like it is.  Her experience had clearly toughened her, and she proudly proclaimed “I don’t bruise!”  I asked her name, and she answered “Holly” and pulled up her sleeve to reveal a tattoo chain of holly leaf and berry around her bicep. 

Veiled in flesh the Godhead see…

                “Holly, what do you need?”  “I need to get inside.  I have money, I can afford some rent, but I need sober living so I can keep on track.”  I promised her I would look up sober living in the area and get back to her.  The next day I brought by a cup full of hot chili (to which she asked if it was gluten free J ) and a list of phone numbers for sober living in the county.  She was so grateful, and impressed that I came right back the next day.  “I hope this will help you be able to get off the streets, you need better than this.”  “Well, I do want to be inside… but this is where I’m supposed to be right now.  God wants me here.  I’m working for him here.  All of these people need me. Every day He shows me another person who needs a smile, or someone to encourage and each day I see Him doing good work by me being out here.”

Mild He lays His glory by

Born that we no more may die

Born to raise us from the earth

Born to give us second birth

                I see Holly regularly now, and each time I’m greeted with at least 2 hugs.  I’ve learned to try to give myself an extra 10 minutes to get to church so I can be sure to visit with her for a bit.  The more I get to know Holly, the more humbled I am by her story and faith.  Holly talks theology with me, often referencing C.S. Lewis, quoting scripture and one day she had Madeleine L’engles A Wrinkle In Time folded open on her stool.  She tells me about her day, which includes sweeping her corner, helping stop traffic when emergency vehicles need to get by, feeding stray cats, and waving at all of the vehicles.  She tells me who has been up to trouble lately, pointing out the man on the next corner as someone who isn’t homeless yet stands there “lying to all the cars that he needs money.”  She knows everything that’s going on, and acts a bit like the military mom of the streets, keeping people in line and calling the police when necessary.  She makes lots of friends, like me, who pass her on their commute. (One day, there were three of us visiting with Holly!) People bring her food to eat, which she distributes to her neighbors who are more hungry than she is.  She makes me laugh with jokes about how the new Volkswagens are made with windows that “don’t roll down” (to give out money) and encourages me with my new job in Children’s ministry saying “With someone like you, I see hope for the Church!”  

Born thy people to deliver,

born a child and yet a King,

born to reign in us forever,

now thy gracious kingdom bring.

                After my first few times of visiting Holly I started to realize that she is one of the best examples of Jesus I have met in a long time.  Incarnation: Christ’s sacrifice of giving up the glory of heaven to enter into the pain of humanity, as one of us, in order to bring redemption and salvation to our brokenness.  Choosing a manger in a stable and a cross on a hill instead of his throne in heaven.  Humble obedience knew that true JOY would come from serving His father and his people instead of serving himself.   As Holly’s prospects for moving “inside” progress, she tells me firmly that “even if I get inside, I will still be here every day.  This is where God wants me.  This is where I need to be.”

Who, being in very nature God,

    did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;

 rather, he made himself nothing

    by taking the very nature of a servant,

    being made in human likeness.

                We’re all called to do the same.  Through the Joy we find in Christ we are told to set aside our own needs for the needs of others. Holly’s humble and steadfast obedience to “do Gods work” on the corner of Corson and Lake has exemplified compassion, love, grace, and JOY to so many who encounter her each day.  By choosing to give up the opportunity for a better life, one which doesn’t involve sleeping in a tent or being harassed and looked down upon regularly, Holly is embodying the love of Christ in the best ways she knows how.   She’s not perfect, she'll be the first one to tell you that, but she’s living out her convictions with sincere integrity. 

…Good news of great joy that will be for all the people…

                Christmas is about Joy.  It’s about love.  It’s about a lot of feel-good things.  But along with these cheery things, it is about a King who chose to enter into the pain of those who were most unworthy of his grace.  Incarnation, or a ministry of presence, is about lingering with people in their pain.  I’ve been inspired by Holly to linger.  All of the theology classes in the world couldn’t teach me what she knows about grace.  This Christmas, as I’m surrounded by decorations of holly leaves, I’m reminded of a friend who lives outside whose life points to Someone who once lived outside … and I’m humbled, and drawn to deeper worship, deeper compassion, and deeper JOY.

O Come let us adore Him!

Bridge Building Part 3

The time was just too short, and the country too big, to get to see all of the people I would have loved to reconnect with.  But I'm so thankful for the time spent with those we did see! 

Reconnecting with this family was wonderful! Mr and Mrs Munsanje are doing well in their ministry, and welcomed baby Abraham jr a little over a year ago.  

Sweet Melody has grown so much.  She remembered her auntie right away and wouldnt stop hugging me!  She is not only walking, but running freely and getting into all the trouble that 4 year olds should :)

We enjoyed many meals like this with friends, sharing food and fellowship.  

Sweet Mercy wasnt feeling well, so she had a little nap on mom's lap.  

These graduates all work near each other in Siachetema and encourage each other as neighbors.  

We were able to spend one night at the Zimba guest house.  Just long enough for a brief visit with Dr Joan and the mission house staff in the midst of their regular responsibilities.  Jock was beside himself to have mommy back!

Mr and Mrs Tilimboyi are in the midst of plans and applications to begin further theological studies in Kenya! 

We were so thankful to Amy Thompson for hosting us!  She is working so hard for Children's Nest orphanage, it was a blessing to get to see her and hear more about her work.  

Bridge Building Part 2

The timing of this return was important in that the students graduating would be the last class which I had taught previously.  Since it was so close to their graduation, they were very busy coming and going with preparations for the big day.  It was so wonderful to see how much they have learned and grown in the last two years!  Thank you for your continued prayers as they have since begun their ministry.  

Mr Munsanje has been serving as the student Chairman this year, and his leadership abilities and constant laughter have kept things running smoothly.  On her own initiative and in the midst of her responsibilities as a student, wife and mom, Mrs Munsanje built her own brick oven in which she daily baked rolls as a source of income.  They were delicious!

Mr and Mrs Muchindu have grown so much in their English abilities in the last three years.  I am so proud to see them crossing the finish line! 

Mrs Makandauko was pregnant with little Ebeneezer when I left so it was really fun to get to meet him!  These two are going to thrive in ministry together.  

Mr and Mrs Handemu are full of dreams and visions for ministry, and even missions abroad outside of Zambia. And yes, that is "my baby" baby David :) 

We are so proud of Mrs Munsaka for switching from the student wive's program, to beginning the pastor's program for herself!  She is a strong, diligent woman.  Mr Munsaka will begin his ministry while she continues in her studies the next two years.   

Seeing this family without their father breaks my heart.  But, as you can see, they are soldiering on with courage.  Mrs Mwaanga returned to campus to finish her studies and receive her certificate.  She has a challenging road ahead of her, but she remains strong in her faith.


Somehow the single students escaped photos- but Brian, George, Thomas, and Luka are finishing strong!


Unfortunately, we did not know the date of graduation when we purchased our plane tickets, so we left the country just 4 days before.  We were grateful, however, that they were able to change the schedule a bit so we could share the graduation dinner and celebrate together! 

Bridge Building Part 1

Perhaps the most important part of our trip back to Zambia was for the purpose of maintaining relationships with so many loved ones.  Two years with very limited contact makes it difficult to feel connected.  Although I know my heart still beats for Zambia and her people, I also knew that the lack of communication made it hard for my Zambian friends to believe that.  Three weeks was too short to do any real effective ministry, but the bridge building and maintenance simply from this brief time of reconnecting was reassuring to many that I hadn't forgotten them.  

A few of the reactions to my return were "It is like a dream!" and "we thought you would never come back!"  and "I am so thankful that Zambia is still a part of you."

It was so bittersweet to reunite with Finebeck. Baby Karen looks so much like her mom, and all of our hearts were aching and missing her deeply.  

She is well cared for by her grandmother and other relatives! We were so thankful to meet her and to see her growing healthy and strong.  Thank you to everyone for your support, love and prayers which have carried her and her family through this last year. 

Since the last time I saw him, Pastor Agriwell has been highly successful in ministry.  His church is growing in faith and numbers.  He married shortly after graduation, and is now expecting his first child!

We were so thankful to be able to share a meal with the Jani's and Habbabas.  Rev. Jani retired from his post as principal this last year, so Rev. Habbaba has been serving as "acting principal" while the national church appoints new lecturers. This transition has created a lot of growing pains, but we are confident that these leaders will do a great job.  Rev. and Mrs Habbaba were extremely busy during our visit, so this meal shared together was a cherished time to reconnect!



Sharing tea, biscuits, and stories with the local church leadership was a blessing.  These men are working so hard, making daily sacrifices in serving the Lord and the Jembo community.  Rev Moono is the district superintendent, Rev. Ntambo is the local church pastor, and Born oversees the local development projects.  

Even our furry friends were glad to know we hadn't forgotten them :) 

Bittersweet.

“How was your trip?!”

Returning to Zambia was so good.  I am so glad I went. These three weeks truly fostered a lot of healing and growth which wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t chosen to embrace the paradox again.

Returning to Zambia was so hard.  Good, but hard.  Unpalatably bitter and addictively sweet; mingling together deep in the emotive gut, satisfying a long ignored heart-ache yet pricking at only freshly healed wounds. 

Bittersweet. 

Sights, smells, and sounds have a powerful way of triggering memories.  I spent three weeks re-living memories. Some of these are really ugly memories, unjustly punching me again with hurt. Some are joy-filled memories lingering in the air, whispering of good times past.  Both were hard to replay, yet each were redeemed by new memories and new scenes. 

It was amazing how quickly and comfortably I immersed back into the culture.  Accent turned on, forgotten Tonga words from somewhere in the recesses of my memory responded quickly to familiar phrases.  The Zambian part of me eagerly pushed aside the American, proving that she still exists and that she still thrives in, and loves this home.  

Yet the American part of me continued to surface, quickly irritable with the daily-life stresses which she has never enjoyed.  Dirty air, dirty hands, dirty body, dirty children who pee-on-your-lap-moments before you get up to preach.  The American part of me doesn’t like being dirty.  She also doesn’t like the stress of boiling water, precious drinking water which just might run out.  Survival mode switched on, anticipating dwindling food stores.  Electricity out for hours, fridge gets warm, food goes bad, jobs left unfinished.  Warm bucket baths which never really get you clean in a less-than-clean bathroom. The ever changing schedule which leaves the day an unpredictable waiting game; waiting for promised visits, waiting for promised electricity, and waiting for more waiting. 

The broken part of me, still burnt out from “Zambia past,” lies in that same bed in that same room under that same mosquito net. Sick.  This is an all too familiar feeling. Angry, hot tears that my body is slowing me down again from doing what I came here for.  Fear. Trapped in the bush, out of reach from “real” doctors, sick with multiple symptoms, exhausted in body and mind, prickling skin, achy all over and the thermometer reads 100.1F  Malaria?  Probably not.  But there is no risk taking.  No waiting for it to get worse. A finger prick and 5 minutes later the negative rapid-test rapidly calms my nerves. An hour of sleep, fever broken soaked in sweat, and I am once again ready to embrace “Zambia present.” 

The Zambian part of me loves laughing; laughter in the midst of poverty, joy in the mist of pain.  My heart beats to Zambian rhythms in a way it never has to jazz, rap, or rock, and it skips a beat to be reawakened in rejoining the song.  Dancing with friends, new and old, laughing together to groove without shame and move together in spirit. Sharing meals, sharing pain, sharing hope.  Sweet laughter overwhelms bitter reality and cements my heart once again in love for Zambia and her courageous, vibrant people. 

And in the midst of the bittersweet, both the American and the Zambian in me, are renewed and restored to once again thrive in a place which my heart, gifts, and abilities were built for.  Teaching students who enjoy learning, challenging minds which have not been stretched, and being a small part of a rapidly growing Kingdom and Church that is built upon a sincere faith in the One True King.  This is where my heart sings and spirit soars, loving being home, and regaining confidence in the possibility of “Zambia future.” 

How Great...

Three weeks of a whirlwind, and mom and I are home… in my New York home that is.  A million thoughts to process, and a thousand photos to edit, many blogs to come with stories of joy and heartache… yet this morning in church I was struck and moved to write this first blog post as one of praise.

About 6 times while at PWBC we sang “How Great Thou Art” in morning devotions, or chapel, or church, or some other service… it has always been a regular.  The first time we sang it my heart and soul broke open… Oh How Great He is indeed.  To have brought me back home, to my Zambian home… so much joy in reunions, reminders, and re-living.  How Great…

For the last two years my heart has often resonated with the Psalmist… “why are you downcast, oh my soul… why so disturbed within me?”  Yet for these three weeks, “…then sings my soul…!”  And oh how quickly my heart burst to be reunited with the Tonga verses, “Ndakwiimbila, Leza Mufutuli, Uli Mulemu, Uli Mulemu!”

This morning in Canandaigua New York, in the comfortable cushioned pews of our 120(+/-) year old sanctuary with 100+ft peaked, artistically painted ceilings above, surrounded by intricate stained glass, and clean carpet below our feet… we started our worship service with How Great Thou Art.  Dressed in our summer casual, each person holding hymnals that are clean and complete, our harmonies are drowned out by the sparkling brand new world-class million dollar pipe organ and our hearts agree together… How Great…

Somewhere in a rural village in Zambia, believers gathered today squished together on wooden benches in a building about 80 years old surrounded by 4 cement walls covered in peeling paint, below crumbling wooden ceiling boards which create a thin barrier between the congregated people and the congregated bats, standing on cement floor carefully swept of dirt and bat droppings by the church ladies the night before.  Dressed in Sunday best, the children roam the aisle proud of their oversized princess dresses, braided hair, shiny shoes and clip-on ties.  A few elders hold precious, treasured hymnals, red-brown as the dirt and pages as frail as the hands that hold them.  Most sing by memory, accompanied by nothing but the harmonies which only Africans can muster, echoing loudly off of an acoustically unsound metal ceiling and cement walls, these believers agree together… Uli Mulemu…

And somewhere in between it all my heart catches a glimpse, a very tiny one, of just How Great He is… to love a world so big, so diverse, so broken… to stretch so far and wide with the same love, compassion, grace and mercy for each and every person… that we can all agree together, though separated by many miles… Moyo wangu… then sings my soul… How Great Thou Art! 

Mutual Encouragement

Well there are about 10 hours left until Mom and I leave Canandaigua to begin our journey… our suitcases are still empty, and piles of things lay scattered around the house.  By a hope and a prayer we’ll be organized to go on time!

I’m writing you this update because I hope that you can be as encouraged as I am today…  two months ago I announced that we would be making this return trip and I made a feeble, doubt-filled request for financial support fully intending to be pouring money from my own pocket to fund this trip.  Well, with 10 hours to go, I have received $3,760.  I only asked for $3,500… you guys gave me too much! J 

I need to take a moment to boast about my home church, The United Church of Canandaigua.  Approximately 90% of this money has come from my home church family in one way or another… without skipping a beat, you quickly sent money and supported me with love, encouragement, and generosity.  Thank you for always being there for me, for supporting this ministry no matter what, and for praying for me without ceasing. 

As we do our last minute scrambling, I’m breathing with peace, anticipation, and JOY sustained by the Holy Spirit’s gentle reassurance.   He is already providing for every penny needed, plus some extra, so we can flexibly give as needs arise and comfortably function to meet our daily needs.  With every moment I spend lesson planning (2,000 years of Church History crammed into 2 weeks?!) I am finding a refreshing, life-giving motivation which comes only from doing what you love… and can’t wait to get back in the classroom with my students.

This trip is about mutual encouragement.  It is about people who love the same Lord coming together to learn more about him by serving him together, encouraging one another in our faith journeys through our various gifts and abilities, all for His glory.  I pray that today, and as you continue to share this journey, the Lord will give you your full share of this mutual encouragement!

I hope to send an update or two while we’re gone, but who knows what the internet will allow J

As we go, please pray for:

-Peace, rest, and energy

-Safety and health in body and spirit

-For divinely coordinated appointments… there are many people we would love to see who are scattered throughout the country, please pray these meetings happen!

-For mutual encouragement J

Greeting Cards for Sale!

Gift Giving!

A significant part of my budget for this trip will be going towards donations or gifts to my Zambian friends.  Some of this includes:

1-Financial support to my graduated friends who we will be visiting  (approx $150)

2- Financial support for the students who are about the graduate (A minimum of $200)

3- Gifts for Bible College leadership (Approx $50)

4- If I am able to exceed this amount, more money will be put towards women's projects, Bible College sustainability projects, a medical emergency fund, the PWBC pre-school, or other areas of need. 

I thought a fun way to raise this portion of my budget would be through selling Greeting Cards!

If you've ever given a donation to my ministry, you have likely received a hand-made thank you note made by these ladies :)  

The card project has unfortunately lost its stamina, however the ladies have agreed to resurrect it at least for the 2 weeks we are there!! 

This is a wonderful project which helps these women make money for their families, allowing them to gain financial independence and learn banking skills. 

The cards are simple, yet elegant and full of meaning. 

Maybe your church or ministry would like to purchase a bulk order and sell them to congregation members?

In the past we have made personalized cards!  These Thank You cards were made for my friend Emily and Chris's wedding, sent to all gift-givers and wedding-goers :)  

Do you have large amounts of thank you notes to write after graduation? or birthday? or wedding?

Are you a missionary who sends tons of thank you notes!?

  We can create a simple, personalized design just for you! 

There are a variety of our basic designs which include:

  A few Christmas designs

 Thank You notes with a variety of African animals  

Outline of Africa with "JOY" or "HOPE" in the middle

Each card is personally signed on the back by the woman who made it :) 

Price:  Each card costs $1.50

Envelope included

(From what I've seen on the shelves these days... this is a steal for a greeting card!) 

Where the money goes: 

 50 cents goes directly to the woman who made your card 

(This is the regular minimum wage for 1 hour of labor in Zambia) 

$1.00 will go towards my gift giving budget, primarily for graduation gifts.

Bulk Orders

50 cards = $65

100 cards = $120

(You may notice that the price has increased since before, from $1.00 to $1.50  This is because some of the money raised will buffer costs of paper products/envelopes, as well as shipping/handling.  The more you buy, the less production/shipping costs for me.  While still paying the ladies for their time and raising funds for other donations :) ) 

How to Order

1. Email me at Laureninzambia@gmail.com

2. In your email please specify the number of cards you would like and of which designs 

3. Your order could simply say "surprise me" and we'll send you a variety 

4. Please order ASAP! We depart in just 2.5 weeks!

5. Include the best address to ship the cards to, unless you live close by in NY or CA and I can hand deliver :) 

Don't want cards?

I am still looking for donations to help cover costs of this trip!  I have raised $2,100 so far!  In less than a month!!! Thank you all so much, and praise the Lord!!

  My budget is for about $2,800, so a significant portion of what is left to raise will determine how much I am able to give in the form of gifts or donations... so at this point, you can consider the money I am raising to be a direct donation to helping a Bible College student or pastor and their family :) 

Who gets these donations?

Some of the people who will be getting donations will include familiar names/faces such as:

Mrs. Mwaanga and her children, in light of the recent death of Mr. Mwaanga

Finebeck and baby Karen.  I hope to stock them up with a good supply of formula :)  Also, we will be in country when baby Karen turns 1 year old! Which is bittersweet, because it also marks 1 year since her mothers death.  

Soon to be graduates!!

And graduating wives! 

And their precious kiddos! 

And wonderful families like this one... baby David, the baby I helped deliver, is now 2.5 years old.  Auntie can't wait to see him and spoil him with a new outfit!! <3 

Status Update

With just 12 days standing between me and my New York home, and three weeks before our departure for Zambia, I thought I would give you a status update!

Financial status:  So far I have been given and/or promised a total of $1,465!!!!  WOW what a blessing this is!!  Thank you SO much to everyone who has given at this point.  This total of donations nearly covers my airfare, a huge chunk of the cost of the trip.  I am still hoping to raise about $1,400 more to help cover and buffer my out-of-pocket costs.  Any size donation is greatly appreciated!

Life status:  The next 12 days are going to prove to be stressful!  In general, my stress levels this quarter have been high, and I am looking forward to a break.  However, 2 big papers, 2 doctor’s appointments, 1 apartment move, and 5 nights of babysitting stand between me and home!  (Not to mention all of the planning details which are coming together for the trip... including creating curriculum to teach Church History!) I appreciate all of your prayers and encouragement as I get through this final push!

Zambia status:  It was announced yesterday a PWBC that mom and I will be coming to visit/teach.  There was apparently much jubilation at this news, which makes me that much more excited to go! There have already been some requests for donation items for teaching supplies such as printer ink, an item which is too expensive to buy in Zambia.  I also plan to give gifts/donations for the +/-10 students who will be graduating.  These types of gifts/donations will be out of pocket, so again, any financial help will go a long way in making this trip a blessing for everyone. 

Praise the Lord for:

                -Financial provision!!

                -My roommate and I are nailing down final details for someone to sublet our apartment for the summer! What a wonderful blessing it will be to have someone covering the cost of our rent while we are away!

                -The Lord’s still small voice, leading and guiding my every moment… He is so so good J

Prayers for:

                -Further financial provision

                -Accomplishing all that I need to do! 

                -Stress maintenance… time for relaxing, sleeping, eating well, exercising, and enjoying friends

                -Wisdom and guidance for some medical concerns

Thank you everyone for sharing this journey with us.  You are such a blessing, and a crucial part of this ministry J

Jesus Wept.

 A few weeks ago my friend died.   He shouldn’t have died.  Not just because his death was medically preventable.  But he shouldn’t have died because he was a good man, father, husband, and pastor.

I wept that week. 

The timing of his death created a cross-road.  I was in the middle of dialoguing with Bible College leadership regarding my visit when Mr. Mwaanga died.   Suddenly a flood of memories, emotions and pain from Post-Zambia-Disorder were re-awakened. 

I wept because I lost my friend.  And I wept because I wanted to run away from Zambia and never look back. 

Never again will I let myself love so deeply, never again will I subject myself to so much hurt.  My friends keep dying. The students I poured my heart into, planting seeds into a ministry which would overflow from their commitment and sacrifice.  Not to mention the many pains of the conflicts of leadership struggles and weaknesses which persist in the college/missionary realm.  As I wept, my heart ran.

Jesus wept.

Wait, what was that?

Jesus wept.

Yeah yeah, the shortest verse in the Bible, so many memory verses and you give me this one?

Jesus. Wept.

Jesus, Omniscient, Almighty, Son of God, King of Kings, Wonderful Counselor, Prince of Peace… wept.

Weeping that was snotty, pain filled, red-eyed, heart-aching, gut wrenching, nausea inducing...

Why did he weep?  He knew Lazarus would come back from the dead? 

He wept because he loved.  And loving hurts. 

Loving a broken world where your friends die before their time hurts.  Loving a broken people who don’t love you back hurts.  Loving and pouring your life out without seeing the fruit of your labor hurts.

Jesus’ humanity is most visible in these glimpses of emotion.  He got angry too.  He was angry because the people who were supposed to be doing ministry right, weren’t.  He got the kind of angry that makes you throw tables around.  The kind of angry that makes you run down the road in the bush screaming at the sky, throwing rocks, and punching imaginary faces.  (And being thankful it’s the bush where no one can see or hear you.)

Holistic, incarnational ministry isn’t easy.  Real, transformational, redemptive ministry isn’t easy.

Returning to Zambia is not easy for me.  And this visit is surely going to be full of challenges; physical, emotional and spiritual.  Returning means I’m not running away from the pain of love, and that pain is not easy to choose. 

But… returning does mean I get to love. 

Can you imagine if Jesus chose to run away from the pain instead of choosing love? 

I love, because he first loved. 

I weep, because Jesus wept. 

My Mom.

My mom is my best friend.  She always has been, whether I knew it or not.  I’ve always been close with her, because she’s always been there for me.  She knows me the best of any person, and is my biggest cheer leader. 

Sometimes I feel embarrassed that my mom is my best friend.  Something in our culture of independence tells us we should eventually not be attached to our parents.  Psychology tells us that there is something unhealthy or imbalanced about an adult child being overly-emotionally connected to their parent.  But then our culture of independence and psychology tells us to “move on” when our adult parents die, and we can’t grieve properly because we first weren’t allowed to love properly.  We regret time wasted, arguments had, love left un-loved.

Well, today, I’m telling you world, I LOVE MY MOM!!!!

She’s my super-hero, my rock, my prayer-warrior. She’s my shoulder-to-cry-on, my laugh-with-me, my banter-with-me, my love-me-anyway-always-no-matter-what. 

My mom is the kind of mom who prays a prayer of surrender for the tiny baby inside of her when her pregnancy is at risk, saying “This baby is yours Lord. Let her live.”  My mom is the kind of mom who gives up her career to be a mom.  The kind of mom who does all the crafts, the school plays, the Halloween costumes, the church clubs, the birthday scavenger-hunts, the sleepovers… The kind of mom who does the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, the pet-caring, the taxi-mom driving… My mom is the kind of mom who hovers in the next room when I date boys I shouldn’t, letting me make mistakes but still being there to pick up the pieces.   My mom is the ready to listen to all my growing-pain problems, watching me become an adult while still seeing a tiny baby kind of mom.

My mom is the kind of mom who achingly lets the Lord do as he will in my life, praying and hurting and sending and loving me to Africa.  My mom is the kind of mom who is ready to hop on a plane when I’m in the middle of the bush sick with “malaria.” My mom is the hold-your-hair-while-you-vomit kind of mom. (still) The kind of mom who comes to Africa twice to support my ministry, do my laundry, and wash my dishes.  She’s the kind of mom who waits and walks with me while I heal, sees beyond my broken hurt and hopes and prays and believes in me. 

Most of all she believes in the Lord who is at work in me, and trusts in Him with her whole heart, mind and strength.   She has exemplified what the Lord’s unconditional love is like.  And like she’s always said, “The Lord loves you, and he loves you way more than I do. Which is hard to believe, because I love you billions.”

When I say I’m gonna go visit Zambia, my mom is the kind of mom who, without skipping a beat, says, “Do you want me to go with you?”

I love you mom! And I’m so thankful we get to share this journey together.  

Jehovah-Jireh

Well a week ago I sent my first post about The Return, including an “ask” for financial support.  Fingers crossed, leap of faith, trusting somehow God will provide for this trip He’s calling me on.  (You know, that trust mixed with panic as you say to yourself “Really God? This just may be the stupidest financial decision of my life!”) A couple days passed, the blog was read, statistics rose showing 60+ viewers… no response for financial help.

*cue panic, doubt, fear, anxiety*

Well, Jehovah- Jireh, my provider, strikes again, slapping me in the face and reminding me He really does have it all under control.  This is HIS ministry, not mine. 

Ways the Lord has proven He’s gonna provide for my every need:

1. I eat a relatively restricted diet for medical reasons.  My diet is one that promotes health, low inflammation, and high immunity…  Groceries for this diet are very expensive.   Fuller offers a Food Distribution to the community every Wednesday with donated items from grocery stores. I’ve gone once in the past and haven’t gone since, primarily because it is usually canned/boxed goods which I can’t eat.  This week I felt prompted to go.  I walked away with a heavy bag of groceries worth around $40… FREE.

2. Last night I babysat for a family I only met a couple of months ago.  I shared with them about how I will not be available for babysitting in the summer, explaining my trip to Zambia.  When they paid me at the end of the night they wrote a separate check for $100 encouraging me saying, “We believe in what you’re doing! And we figure you only need 34 more people to write a check like that one.”  (They were also very generous in their babysitting payment!)

3. This morning I received word back from the travel agency regarding tickets.  As I opened the email, I braced myself for the blow of the cost for the tickets… afraid to think about how much prices have risen in 2 years.  I couldn’t believe it when I read that each individual round-trip ticket would cost $1,875.  Tears hit my eyes… I’m pretty sure in the past my one-way tickets cost $1,400… this price is $700 LESS than what I budgeted for. 

Plane-tickets are purchased, and my bank account is looking quite sad (especially after paying this month's rent!)… but I feel even more hopeful and full of faith that the Lord will provide for each day’s needs. 

Thank you for joining me in prayer and faith, knowing that the Lord will provide!

Please pray for the following:

1- Financial provision

2- I will still be paying rent in California while I am gone. Pray that someone will become available to sub-let the space so that I don’t have this extra cost!  (Anyone want to live in Cali in a fully-furnished apartment for 2 months?!)

3- The next things on the to-do list will be navigating medical stuff (vaccine updates, malaria prevention, travel insurance etc.) pray this goes smoothly

4- I am still a full-time student, part-time baby-sitter, and full-time human being who needs sleep, friends, and health!  Pray for balance, perseverance, and provision. J

Thank you for sharing this journey with me! 

Dates! Details!

After a few quick text messages with Rev. Habbaba in Zambia ($0.25 each!), Mom and I have picked our dates, which will be set in stone when plane ticket prices are compared and settled.

The itinerary is looking like this:

July 1st: Depart Rochester NY
July 2nd: Land in Livingstone, Zambia
July 2nd-6th: Visit friends in Livingstone/Zimba/Choma
July 6th-17th: Stay at Pilgrim Wesleyan Bible College in Jembo
July 17th-22nd: Visit friends in Choma/Zimba/Livingstone
July 23rd Depart Livingstone
July 24th: Land in Rochester NY

For the two weeks that will will be at PWBC Rev Habbaba has requested that Mom spend time teaching the ladies English classes, while I will be teaching the 2nd and 3rd year students an intensive course on Church History.

Currently Rev. Habbaba is the only full time lecturer on staff.  College leadership is in transition, so he is carrying the weight of the teaching responsibilities along with various part time visiting lecturers.  Compare this to when I was there and we had 5 full time-lecturers... in other words, they need some help.  I'm thankful that we can at least relieve the stress of this workload for a short time!!

Thank you for praying for Rev. Habbaba, PWBC, and all those who are involved in the hiring process for college leadership.

These dates are sneaking up quickly! Please let me know if you would like to contribute financially :) Laureninzambia@gmail.com

We are really really looking forward to being in the classroom again with these eager learners!!

The Return.

The Return.

July 30th will mark 2 years since I left Zambia.  Not a day goes by that I don’t think about going back… and with every passing day a prayer for the proverbial “door” to open so that I can visit my Zambian family.   Up until now the timing has never been right.  My class schedule at Fuller hasn’t allowed me to take the time away, or I have been sick, or the anxiety resulting from PTSD from Zambia has crippled me with fear of returning.  Healing, both physical, emotional, and spiritual, have occurred with medical attention, counseling, and time.  And that yearning just keeps getting stronger.

For Lent I made an intentional effort to pray for discernment as to whether or not I would travel to Zambia this summer.  Setting the goal that on Easter Sunday I would decide to begin making plans, each day my ears and heart were open to whatever whispers the Lord might be giving me.  The second Sunday of Lent I woke up and said, “Ok Lord, today at church I want you to give me some real clear direction.”  (You know, that doubtful prayer where you hope for a “sign”) Well… in church that morning the choir happened to sing a “Zambian folk song.” (They made a valiant muzungu effort at African rhythms and Bemba words) I laughed while I wept and sang along to the words and my heart stirred with familiar Zambian rhythms.  (It’s a good thing it’s a mega-church and no one knows me)

Continued prayers for discernment led to communicating with Zambian friends, and resulting with this last week’s final “Yes! Please come!”

The best part: my mom is coming with me J  Counseling has uncovered the root of my PTSD, which was a deep sense of being very alone for 2 years in the midst of very hard trials.  I’m so thankful mom is coming with me, not just so I won’t be alone, but because I know how much her heart is connected with Zambia and our Zambian family.

The trip.

This isn’t a “doing” trip.  This is a “being” trip. 

One of the main complaints I have heard from Zambians about missionaries is that we come and serve, and then never come back or communicate.  The relational nature of the culture is deeply pained by this broken nature of missions, more-so than any other mistake the missionaries might make. 

This trip is about continuing the relationships I have made in the past.  It is about encouraging my friends in ministry, grieving with my friends who have lost their spouses to untimely deaths, and celebrating the successes of growth which are occurring at the Bible College.  It is about making sure my friends know that I haven’t forgotten them, praying the prayers I’ve prayed for them each day- but in person, and just being together.

Mom and I plan to do some teaching at the Bible College to help support the staff with their heavy work load, but I know that a couple weeks of teaching will only have a small impact compared to the encouragement I hope we can bring.

The Plan.

I’m taking the summer quarter off from classes.  This will allow me to travel home, pack with mom (and visit Margaret of course!), and travel together to Zambia.  Dates are not set in stone yet, but we expect the trip will be about 3 weeks in the month of July.  2 weeks of this time will be at the bible college, while other time will be spent visiting with graduates at their sites of ministry, as well as visiting some missionary friends. 

Want to Join Us?

The ministry which I have done in Zambia has only been partially by my efforts. Without the team of support that the Lord has surrounded me with I would have never been able to go, and certainly would not be sustained without the prayers and encouragement you have given me.  The Lord has worked powerfully through everything you have done as a part of this ministry.

Will you continue to join me in serving the Lord in Zambia? 

Pray.

Prayer is hard work.   Would you be willing to help us carry the responsibility of this ministry by praying for us? 

Please pray for:

-Details.  So many things still need to come together!

-Clear communication with Zambia.

-Physical health- I always seem to be fighting something, be it a migraine or a cold or chronic fatigue.  Pray that I stay healthy and strong in the months leading up to the trip.

-Emotional strength- the healing process the Lord has had me on has been so beautiful, pray this continues.

-Spiritual protection- Satan would just love to get his dirty little paws on this and destroy the Lord’s work happening here…

Give.

Mom is going to be paying her own way.  I plan to pay out of pocket as well, however the grad-school budget is tight and the costs of this trip just may mean I go hungry when I come back J

Would you be willing to give financially to help cover costs?

I am budgeting a total of $3,500 for my portion of the trip.  $2,500 of this will cover my airfare, while the $1,000 will cover food, lodging, in-country travel, visa, and seed money for donations/gifts for friends. 

Any extra money raised above this budget will be saved for further ministry efforts in Zambia, which may include direct donations to development projects currently happening at the Bible College and surrounding area. 

If you would like to participate financially, please send me an email at Laureninzambia@gmail.com for more details.  Every little bit helps!!!

Thank you!

Thank you so much for continuing to share this journey with me!!  Wow! What a journey it has been!